May 17, 2012

Maternity Journal: The First Trimester (Part 2)

Now that I am safely into the second trimester, I am happy to reflect back on those first 13 weeks.  We found out very early on, both because I had a premonition the day I'm pretty sure it happened and was henceforth paying extra attention to my body.  And something was up.  Because I could just "tell" something was up, exactly 4 weeks after my LMP (last menstrual period, and pardon my TMI), we took the test and, sure enough, a plus sign!

So elation ensued!  And uncertainty and a little hysteria, but mostly elation and happy disbelief in the miracle of life.

Those first few weeks it was SO hard not to tell anyone.  But that didn't stop us because we are terrible secret keepers.  We ended up telling some friends, family and co-workers, because we couldn't keep this giant news to ourselves! 

But there were lots of implications job-wise and social-life-wise as well, which made us "have" to tell some folks.  Like was I still going to travel to Africa for work (another topic for another day)?  Like how was I going to try to pretend like I was still drinking?  (We generated some creative ways, but never used them because I am a terrible liar and faker, and I ended up just ordering water, which was a dead-giveaway for some).

It wasn't like we were shouting it from the rooftops, though, as for me it felt like I ended up telling people as an excuse.  Like why wasn't I drinking?  Why can't I go to Africa?  For me, I spent the first few times telling people using it as an apology of sorts, and trying to hide it, and ending up feeling a bit sheepish when I finally admitted it.

Everyone we told was elated, but I still felt guilty somewhat because this thing that was happening to me was causing others inconvenience or changing plans or pause.  I didn't realize how this effected me until I cried one day (big surprise), and it evolved into me feeling weird, detached and kind of sad about being pregnant.  Ry pointed out that I'd been living with this pregnancy as an apology, and with negative feelings, and that I needed to start thinking positively about it.  That realization was everything.

From then on, my perspective and my mood changed.  I relished moments when I got to tell people, and made a conscious effort to make sure I was announcing it and not apologizing for it.  We still waited to get out of the woods miscarriage-wise and tried to wait the standard 12 - 14 weeks for it to become public knowledge, which was tough.  That's why I didn't blog much - because how do I write about other things when there is literally only one thing on my mind?  And because I was tired, and kind of pukey.

I think the best thing that came out of that low point was Ry and I developed a nightly routine where we take 5 minutes, both put our hands on my belly, and talk to our baby.  Sending it positive thoughts, and building a connection.  Reiki for babies.

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